Nothing to Say

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PinI have written and deleted a half dozen posts so far this week. I want to have something to say, but I\’m empty.

I still have three grandparents at 33. I\’m afraid my girls won\’t be so lucky.

My mom has stage 3 pancreatic cancer. She is convinced she\’s going to be in the 25% of pancreatic cancer patients who survive a year, in the 1% who survive five years.

I want that to be true.

I\’m so grateful that she\’s optimistic. Everyone says a patient\’s outlook is a big part of her prognosis.

I want that to be true.

I\’m just not there.

I cry.

A lot.

Grace and I have been praying that the doctors will make her better. Prayer warriors all over America are praying for her.

Praying doesn\’t feel like enough and yet, it\’s the only thing I can do.

When Allie sees my mom, her whole face lights up. She squeals and points and says, I see!

I am terrified that Allie won\’t remember her beloved Grandma.

I want to have more to say, but I don\’t.

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